It has been a long while since I have posted ABOUT FILM I am shooting/developing/etc !!
It's high time for a post, wouldn't you say??
So my last roll of film was developed in a fixer solution that was...
How to say it?
ON IT's LAST LEGS.
It was probably the absolute last working use I could make of this batch.
You see, when fixer is used up (after about 20 rolls)...it makes the film look foggy.
It gets weird. :-)
And this roll it definitely got foggy...
But I also was not paying enough attention and the water rinses WERE VERY (SUPER) COLD.
And this adds to the look of film fogginess...
But when I scanned in the images from the negatives...something inexplicably beautiful -
AND POETIC happened...
I accidentally also scanned in the black and white (Ilford bnw 400) film as "color film."
And it had this wonderful foggy to clear/crystal sepia color tone.
See below and let me know what you think? I rather liked it on these particular film images!
***UPDATE! WE WILL BE HAVING A LARGE, 3RD ART PERFORMANCE PIECE ON SUPER BOWL SUNDAY WITH 14-15 PEOPLE STRONG. STAY TUNED...LOCATION TO BE DISCLOSED JUST BEFORE... (anyone who would like to join please email/msg me.)
“So I was looking at iPads the other day...” w/my friend @mandybraun 🌹⭐️
This looks like fun & games but there is a real reason to my madness here. #activism#performanceart
I want love & Light to permeate our society everywhere. Yes, we got served and sat inside a Starbucks. (The Apple store was cool w/us & it felt great to just be accepted.) It took about 8 min for the Sbux mgr to come up to us & ask us to cover up or leave. The mgr said we were making people uncomfortable, but we were more covered than some backless dresses allow for.
Is it because American/patriarchal society deems a sexualized woman’s body amoral or inappropriate...Starbucks SEXUALIZED US. Really we were minding our own business, all body parts clothed, chatting & enjoying a cup of coffee...The mgr was simply judging what we were wearing as inappropriate. So a backless dress could show as much skin...would probably be fine...If Gwen Stefani showed up in just a bikini it would probably be fine (showing more than we were...). Is it the amount of money we make? Is it a certain number of Instagram followers we need to have? How far does this go? If people are uncomfortable b/c a patron is black & sitting at a table in SBux waiting for their real estate friend...It’s ok to call the police & ask them to leave? What if a patron is gay & making other customers uncomfortable? How far does this go?
If it makes people uncomfortable maybe it is because they are conditioned & no longer ask the necessary questions. If Tom sat right next to us wearing the same thing Pasties and all would they ask him to leave???
I’m ticked off the more I experience the ridiculousness of how sexualized women’s bodies are, how objectified, and commoditized by a patriarchal capitalism...and more! Down w/white supremacy.
Where does judging people as appropriate or inappropriate end? Was this a justified business response?
Pointing out inconsistencies & contradictions. Asking the questions. Art makes you think. Love & Light ❤️✨❤️
#photography #killerjpeg #starbucks#whatisinappropriate #whatisallowed#civilrights #womensrights
This is one of the first photographs I ever took.
This is my mom.
I was like 5 yrs old when I took this. I remember feeling so happy & Light in this moment...like I was being devilish taking a photo of my mother dancing so freely. (Texas, the 80’s) My relationship w/my mother was fraught. She was an alcoholic & died with alcoholic dementia.
And she taught me so much. Not only in spite of her, but because of her. In the total absence of love...I learned love. I learned grace. I am having quite a life’s journey of my own & I am absolutely loving it. You see I learned to love myself. Not full of ego, not as a narcissist, but out of a deep connection to all that makes me unique (warts & all), and w/the deep, invisible connection that binds us all. I have studied for a PhD, I have struggled as a single mother to put myself thru college, grad school & food on the table. I have raised a beautiful, strong daughter. I lived thru two domestic violent marriages & healed. I have gone blind & had surgeries & am now a photographer. I have traveled to places I never thought I could go. Last year, I died & I came back. (Long story...I am a daily walking miracle) And I know all the secrets now. I know the truth. I know that we are Infinite beings of light. I know that this 3D world we have come to - A soul having a human experience - on a planet of contrasts & limitations is not the reality. It is the dream. We are here to create. And I don’t just mean painting clouds (but yes, that too!) I mean on a meta level. And we often forget who we really are. We are light and love and we can manifest anything we want here. So this moment...This snapshot of my mom dancing disco...It represents a passionate fiery heart of mine that grew from many moments watching my mom dance with big headphones on. Because now I DO IT. It is how I create my life & my dreams. So thank you Mom, thank you for teaching me to dance in bliss/passion/heartache, yes, while everyone can see. Yes, even though I fall sometimes.
WORLD, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.
My Photography Story - A Selection of Work (Now Showing at Blue Moon Camera & Machine in N Portland)
I have lived AN INTERESTING life so far and I could write about many stories...I could write, for example, about my experience growing up as a child of an alcoholic mother. I could write about my history and survival through two domestic violent relationships, I could include my journey of working full-time while being a single-mother through undergraduate, and then graduate school. I could tell you that against all odds I made the honor rolls. I could tell you my life as a diabetic and the troubling world through our healthcare system and also living in denial of my own mortality and NOT taking care of myself when I was young. I could tell you the experience of all members of my family passing away as a young woman. I could tell you of my journey applying to a PHD program in Canada, and getting IN. I could tell you of my kidneys almost failing and my liver failing twice. I could tell you of dying, going to the other side and coming back. I could tell you of all these things and my successes and failures along the way, not to mention the growing -- and the accumulated joy, wisdom, strength and abiding tenacity to create my own life...
But this story is about my journey into art and, more specifically, photography.
This post explains the 30 images I am currently showing at Blue Moon Camera and Machine in N Portland, Oregon. (Nov. 1, 2018 - Nov. 30, 2018).
I am completely humbled and honored to share this story and the images within.
Image #1: IN MY BAG 1371. This was about four years ago. I never had taken darkroom in high school, like most. I somehow got the idea into my head after starting my own fledgling business promoting others' small businesses - that I wanted to learn photography. So I signed up for darkroom at PCC SE Tabor Campus. My instructor was Mike Riches and I asked him for assignments. One of the first assignments he gave me was to read up and apply to JAPAN CAMERA HUNTER'S "IN MY BAG" series. You see, Mike had heard my beginning in that I went blind about 5 years ago.
THAT'S RIGHT. I WENT BLIND JUST BEFORE I BEGAN PHOTOGRAPHY.
I am a type 1 diabetic who never took care of herself working through grad school and it was catching up with me fast. My retinas were detaching and (one of many miracles in my life...) surgeries saved my vision - for the most part.
I started this fledgling business and wanted to learn photography, so here I was in darkroom learning in a tactile way....all about light. And I get this assignment: Apply to Japan Camera Hunter. I put together contents in my backpack, which became my never left-behind camera bag. And yes, in this camera bag, I always carry (still to this day because sometimes I still need it) my blind cane. And what do you know? But Japan Camera Hunter featured it and published it on his website, my In My Bag submission! I was over the moon. My first publication. This is my first photo in the Blue Moon show.
Image #2 is titled Pure Honesty. Well, yes, I will walk around Portland and take photos of all things interesting. My goodness I was enthusiastic. My goodness everything looked new to me as I envisioned it as a photo! So the very first month I go out walking with the camera I passed a long block of homeless people who liked to congregate near Legacy Good Samaritan Hospital. I was intimidated but I thought maybe a good conversation would start with me and my camera. Nothing happened and I walked the block without anything interesting happening until I walked past this one houseless man who had the most magnetic expression on his face. It was like wisdom incarnate, and I walked past and without even consciously telling myself to do it I turned around - and he was waiting for me. I snapped this photo of him telling me exactly how he felt about me taking his picture. This image was later awarded finalist in the 11th Annual Pollux Awards in Documentary & Reportage.
Image #3 is titled: Surprise Snap. This is photo is from the first film roll I ever took, from a $15 thrift store camera with a plastic lens. I was near Fred Meyer on NW Everett and this lovely couple were holding hands under this gorgeous fall tree. I kept trying to focus my plastic lens (not knowing I couldn't! Remember, very green at this point!) and the couple actually pointed me to my left. I wondered, "What the heck?" I turned, and this lovely resident of a fenced in yard had popped up, frankly, to have his photo taken. This photo later made my first submission into a photo contest: Krappy Kamera 2016 - and it got accepted in the NYC, Soho Photo Gallery Show. It also got featured in the Huffington Post and I was off like a shot in photography. (Another miracle....it's becoming a theme here.)
Image #4 is titled: Jazz Loft Project. YES, well since I got a photo accepted into Krappy Kamera in NYC, I had to go! My daughter was going to college in Brooklyn at the time, and it was a wonderful opportunity to go see my own framed photograph in a show in New York. (Who gets to do that?! Certainly not me.) So I went. I went with my partner, and he graciously held my coat, got me to calm down, walk the perimeter of Soho Photo Gallery and start talking to people. In fact, there was one man in the place that my partner suggested I go talk to because he was so friendly and taking photos of people and, I swear to God, he had this golden light emanating from him. I walked over to him and asked if he was the photographer for the show. He said he definitely was and we started talking about many things. I even told him that I was going to embark on my first photograph SERIES of a Portland transgender model with a Holga camera and he said he was the President of the gallery and would love to see the work when it was done. We exchanged cards and I felt a warm glow of new friendship and possibility. So I went on to enjoy the rest of my short trip in NY. I had gotten another assignment from my teacher back home. He had said to go find the address 620 Sixth Street. That the old Jazz Loft Project used to be there and to just go see what I could check out. Well, I looked it up and the story of the place gave me chills! Thelonius MonK? The jazz greats just hanging out here with a photography 'great', Gene Smith?? I went and even got inside, all the way to the top. I got to Gene Smith's darkroom/studio door before I was "invited to leave." I felt exhilarated. This photo is sacred to me. This is the stairway up into the Jazz Loft Project and I daresay, I completed the assignment.
Image #5 is titled: Canal Street. This is a photo I took on many subsequent trips back to NYC because I later applied, formally, to Soho Photo Gallery and became a member. This is one of my favorite photos of Canal Street because this street is so rauco. Yet, it is right near the gallery. Once you step off Canal Street in any direction, things quiet down rather quickly. It becomes a whole other world. I stayed in a hotel once, on Canal Street, and have walked it many, many times. This encapsulates one of my favorite street photography photos. In fact, it reminds me of Burnside Street in Portland, for anything strange can happen upon it anytime, anywhere.
Image #6 is titled: Burnside Skate Park. This photo was yet another early assignment and I was told about this park under the Burnside Bridge. What? I walk Burnside downtown all the time. I never knew there was a skate park under there? I went in with a plan. I did not want to draw undue attention. I did not want to use a flash. I did not want to get in people's way and be a nuisance. So I walked up wearing my Brooklyn hat, waited quite a while to see what the skaters' reactions to me would be. If they asked me to leave I was going to do just that. After my presence seemed to be accepted, I took out my film camera and just held it so everyone could see that I was openly holding a camera. Still everything seemed okay. No confrontations, no one asked me to take a hike. Then, I started snapping photos. What fun. So cool to see these skaters in action. A couple of them even began skating for me, it seemed. I was thrilled, but did not overstay my welcome and took a stream of photos and quickly left just as inconspicuously as I had arrived. Later when I looked at the film I had this iconic photo of the skater walking with his board, making the "I" in Burnside. I had completed yet another assignment.
Image #7: A Portrait. This is another early photo I took when I realized I wanted to start growing as a photographic artist and taking photos of people. This is a photo of a friend who I asked if I could experiment with and take photos of her down on Portland's South Waterfront. It was a windy day and I was worried every photo I took would turn out to be total crap. But, in fact, we got a couple of winners. This is my all-time favorite portrait I have yet to taken of anyone. Note** Windy days turn out to be THE BEST.
Image #8 it titled: The Laundromat
Image #9 is titled: The Subway
Both of these photos are some of my early street photography going back and forth to NY a lot and indicative to me of what I was trying to achieve with my black and white film. People living their lives, caught in moments of unawareness or uncaring of a camera.
Image #10: PAID. This is my third photography series called: Working Jill with Portlander, Beth Dodge (Instagram: @bethdodge ) modeling. This series ended up being acknowledged and shown worldwide. It was an Honorable Mention in the Open section of the 10th Annual Pollux Awards/Gala Awards in London and then later also shown in Women Seen by Women show in Barcelona. It was also published online in Dodho Magazine. What a ride. This was exhilarating to conceive of, and design wardrobe and lighting for a conceptual art series. Then later to have it be so successful and showing issues still important today is a total thrill as an artist.
Image #11: Eco Vibe Fashion Shoot. Shortly after finishing the Working Jill series (previous photo) I decided I wanted to jump into fashion. How to you get great wardrobe for your photos? You partner with great designers or boutiques! I approached Eco Vibe on NW 23rd and they agreed to let me highlight some of their clothing in a fashion shoot. This is local model Lauren Rice in their pieces AND I got it published online in NIF Magazine.
Image #12: Looking For (Part of You As Angel series)
Image #13: Rapprochement (Part of You As Angel series) This series was my second solo show in NYC at Soho Photo Gallery and also got featured on Japan Camera Hunter's website, as well as published in BLUR Magazine, Honorable Mention in PX3 (a Parisian annual photography competition) and highlighted online on some art blogs as well as in Dodho Magazine. This series features local model: Mandy Braun (Instagram: @mandybraun ). It is the story of learning to love yourself - a messy and extremely worthwhile process.
Image #14: No 6 (Part of Body Image series) This was an entire year after Working Jill and You as Angel and this time the concept was developed by Beth Dodge (Instagram: @bethdodge ). This was our second time working together and this is my most awarded series to date. It got Honorable Mention in the ND Awards, the International Photography Awards, and in the 10th Annual Women Seen BY Women Awards, as well as mentioned, personally, by Benjamin Von Wong, a very well-known photographer who was hosting his own contest! It gained a lot of visibility for me and Beth and later was also featured in a French tv show on Museum TV called: Instant Decisif where they interviewed me as an up & coming American photographer and I got to tell the story behind this very photo!
Image #15: Silhouette. This image was also explained and featured in the french tv show: Instant Decisif. It features local model: Elizabeth Watson (Instagram: @ishtar_unveiled ) who has become a good friend and a photographer in her own right. I was experimenting with different lighting set ups on this shoot and this beaming, mysterious silhouette portrait emerged.
Image #16: Beaten (Part of Violent Stories series) This was an astonishing series for me to complete. It told a visionary story of domestic violence, and even healing. It was the first series I collaborated with a make up artist: Autumn Sanders (Instagram: @autumnsanders_hmu ). The model is from Seattle: Zoey Jane Marie (Instagram: @zoeyjanemarie ). This series also won an Honorable Mention in the 11th Annual Pollux awards in Fine Art Series as well as being shown just outside of Marseilles, France in the Family of No Man exhibit, and the 11th Annual Julia Margaret Cameron Awards as an Honorable Mention in Fine Art.
Image #17: Security Blankets (one of a series) This is local model: Yazmin (Instagram: @yazgogo )who designed the concept as well. This is about the struggle young women go through to feel safe in society. And this series also won Finalist in the 11th Annual Pollux Awards.
Image #18: MEN: Mental Stigma This image features John William Amlund (Instagram: @johnawilliam ) in a long Mental Health series (also including: @ishtar_unveiled ) I did on hoping to educate and abolish the societal stigma attached all too often with mental health. This series also won Honorable Mention in the 11th Annual Pollux awards -AND- this photo was tweeted by the digital director of Men's Health Magazine during their own Men's Mental Health campaign.
Image #19: Everything Gold Plated in Self-Portrait Series called Oh America!
Image #20: Who Is Us? in Self-Portrait Series called Oh America!
This is a self-portrait series that just won Honorable Mention in the 12th Julia Margaret Cameron Awards in London and was art-advised by Tony Kirman. He suggested I put together my work of self-portraits into a series. I told him I was thinking of centering it around something reflective of the US and he suggested the title as well.
Image #21: This is one of my more recent series called "70's Glam" and it was a fun series put together with Mandy Braun (Instagram: @mandybraun) & Elizabeth Watson (@ishtar_unveiled )trying to encapsulate an outdated view of femininity, but also a certain reverence for it.
Image #22: Spread Love. This is another series with local model & friend Mandy Braun (@mandybraun). She had the idea to go topless down Burnside and I could not help but put this plan into action with her. What a delightful experience with a delightful soul!
Image #23: The Slants This photo was featured in The Mercury telling of a recent performance by Portland band The Slants who let me do press photos for them - and this was the beginning of a dream. To shoot musicians for album and promotion art.
Image #24: Jacked Up. (Instagram: @jackeduppdxband ) This is the local Portland punk band; true artists that are wildly talented and inspire. I was honored and excited to shoot promotional photos for Krista and Vic. Look them up & check them out!
Image #25: This was a photo shoot of local friend & musician Sweet Sam Kisling (Instagram: @sweetsamkisling ) who sings incredibly soulfully and plays guitar as a blues man. He is soon to release his first EP and can often be found playing blues on Saturday mornings at the local restaurant Tapalaya in NE Portland.
Image #26: Alexa Wiley (Instagram: @alexawileymusic ) of Alexa Wiley and The Wilderness. Again, this is another recent shoot including promotional photos for local musicians and I am happy to also call her my friend. She is a true poet, talented beyond measure and inspiring in many ways. She can often be seen performing locally.
Image #27: Antonioni ( Instagram: @antonioni_band ) this was a photo shoot in Seattle of a quickly rising and astonishingly talented Seattle alternative/punk band. The lead singer Sarah has a voice front like that of the Cranberries. They were an incredibly cool group to shoot with and this photo was my favorite of many from a recent promotional photo shoot.
Image #28: Mrs. Henry (Instagram: @mrshenryrocks ) - This is a band from San Diego, CA. They were in town performing and I convinced them to carve out some time to take some promotional shots between gigs. It was the fastest shoot I have yet done, with some success. Still living the dream...this is another promotional photo of the band.
Image #29: Women are More Than Delicate Flowers (3 of 3) This is local MUAH and model Megan Thompson (Instagram: @mildorwildmuah ), whose spirit easily inspires around her. This is a recent shoot I am hopeful to eventually submit as a make up editorial for publishing. (Still in progress.)
Image #30: Women are More Than Delicate Flowers (1 of 3) Ditto. Megan Thompson MUAH & Model (Instagram: @mildorwildmuah ).
Through these 30 images you can see the beginning and fleshing out of my emerging photography career. I hope only to live long enough to really get so good... TO BLOW MY OWN HAIR BACK.
Let's keep creating!
And I've finally finished my (first?) experiment in distorting my film negatives.
I made a (rather) artful series of it...MEN: Distortions (look it up in MY PORTFOLIO...)
There were many great aspects to this series:
The thrilling freedom of new work...
The great satisfaction of physical art creation in relation to hand distorting my own film negatives...
The complete surrender TO THE MUSES of intuitive gesture in, specifically, the scratching of
the negatives. And, above all, meeting and working with three new models.
So in a previous blog post I began by trying to soak the negatives in hot Tennessee whiskey
for about 14 minutes....NOTHING. Then 16 minutes (or so) in almost boiling red wine...still NOTHING.
Then vodka and lemon juice, this time boiling...finally got to something, but then I made the mistake
of washing the negatives and lost whatever distortions began.
I knew after these initial experiments that I had to go with a stronger chemical, or LONGER soaking times.
I opted for bleach. :-)
Then those distortions were not satisfying enough, so I added a soaking step in PAAS (blue tablet) kit. --Think easter egg coloring.-- I believe it was the soaking in vinegar that allowed me to intuitively gesture with small metal implements, and SCRATCH, SCRATCH, SCRATCH the negatives! (I think the vinegar made the emulsions soft and pliant.)
__> I did even try, once throughout this series of distorting the negatives, developing a roll using freezing, ice-cold fixer and wash in ice water...but that only turned the negatives a strange hazy gray. This was NOT what I was looking for....and even stranger with this step....when the negatives were wet, just taken to be hung and dried, I couldn't wipe any emulsion from them. I couldn't even scratch it off the wet negatives! Very interesting and surprising.
How thrilling and risky all of this felt. And, in the end, I think I got some really powerful images.
I recently finished a concept series called Censored: Look but don't See Me
I worked with Portland model (fantastic human being) @divinelyshana35. She is also the concept designer of this series.
WHAT I EXPERIMENTED WITH is overlaying a second photograph, digitally, in Photoshop.
Once I had all the images of Shana done. I went to take a photo of my darkroom buds, against a white wall.
I wanted to make it look like the men were reaching for her, without really and truly looking at her and getting to know her.
In some images it looked more interesting to invert the exposure, so every other photo in the full series alternates this look. It is the same image of men throughout, then with different "states of being a person" as Shana is presented throughout the series.
See for yourself....experimenting is KEY. I love it and wouldn't practice my discipline any other way.
“Don't think about making art, just get it done. Let everyone else decide if it's good or bad, whether they love it or hate it. While they are deciding, make even more art.”
― Andy Warhol
<In all my various forms (whether I'm laughing, sad, smart as hell, angry, pretty or sexy) men may think they see me, but they never truly know me. I am never loved for who I am. In the end, I am CENSORED. Because I'm treated more like a show piece or an object. My thoughts, my speaking and my heart are irrelevant and I can only exist in a limited space in men's limited allowance.>This series delineates the lack of seeing, knowing, and truly understanding most men use when meeting and creating relationships with women. We shall not remain silent in becoming our full selves. (Nor, have we truly ever been.) We will not be CENSORED.
HEY! Do you love black cats???
Order this TShirt and show your love!!
PHOTOGRAPHERS out there.... !!
Ever gone street-shooting, capturing scenes in public when you may draw people's ire???!
But....there is very little time to explain???
So....you just wear this t-shirt and point at it when someone gets a little upset you just snapped their picture!
IT'S FOR THE ART ---
Presto! You have an immediate AND EASY way to explain.
(Most people don't realize that being in the public streets, sidewalks, parks, and transportation are open spaces and legal for all photographers to snap anyone's photo. But it's true & legal.)
Keep your camera close fellow photographers.
Wear this easy explanation t-shirt - and SHOOT ON!
IT'S FOR THE ART!
Okay fellow darkroomers, film buffs and photographers...
I have decided to try a creative process of film distortion for an upcoming series SOON.
Here is my story so far -and I will update this post and add others as I continue to experiment with materials and see what happens!
So far I have tried one strip of film negatives in (1st try) hot Tennessee whiskey for 14 minutes. I just let the negatives soak and then washed them in water, following this, for 5 minutes. I SAW NO DISTORTION ON NEGATIVES.
Next, (2nd try) I soaked the same negatives in hot -almost boiling, but not quite- red wine, for 16 minutes. AGAIN< NOTHING.
My third attempt was yesterday evening and I soaked the same strip of negatives in BOILING vodka and lemon juice. FINALLY, I think I'm beginning to see some distortion to the negatives/emulsion!!
I have saved all the alcohol to re-use if I so choose. I think it definitely needs to be boiling if using alcohol.
I never knew my film negatives were so hearty and could withstand so much abuse! How interesting.
Next, I will try bleach in some form. Either I will put the negatives on glass and swipe with a bleach-soaked q-tip, or I will fully soak the negatives in bleach.
*Keep in mind, to never mix bleach with any other chemicals! And to have open air around you at all times - the ability to open to a window, etc.*
Excited for the abstract, unknown, mysterious quality!
More to come.
I am embarking upon a fun street photography project with another photography friend of mine from darkroom.
It's called: SIGNS ...
and here's what I've got so far...wandering around #Portland
Short of it. My kidneys are on their way out of town - and they are almost all the way out.
I hover around 30-22% kidney function.
I have many complications and recently....back in October(!)...while LIVE on a webstream,
interviewing the great Benjamin Von Wong....my liver failed (I'm still afraid to go back and watch the video.
Gawd! I don't even remember it!!!) For interest, I've listed the link below:
A few days later I went to the emergency room and from there into the ICU.
I was dehydrated to an extreme degree from throwing up all the night before interviewing Von Wong....BUT HELL FIRE if I was going to miss that interview! When I got to the hospital (my lovely daughter drove me), I knew things were serious but because my liver had failed and, one of the symptoms, is total mental confusion....I did not consciously "know it."
But, ENERGETICALLY, I knew I was dying.
A kind of "undocking" if you will from my physical body. I was preparing to leave the planet.
This is my attempt at capturing the full-round experience of my near death experience.
Hint: It was wonderful.
The first photo represents the first glimmer of my death.
This is very personal work for me. I had a near-death experience and it took me a long while to process it. I have tried my best to capture, what for me was, "visiting the other side," "being dead," "piercing the veil," etc. Bu tthis was an entirely multi-dimensional experience that cannot be well explained with words or 3D earth mind-relates. The light that exists here is simply not beautiful enough to relate to you what I saw. The bottom line is it was a wondrous experience. I am not afraid of death. It was utterly lovely and has now further expanded my heart, my art, and the life left within me, in this body - on this planet. Spend love. Nothing else exists - All else is illusion.
For one instant, I tried to hold onto this world....
I realized, only much later, that I "knew" I was dying.
I didn't consciously know it, but I knew it energetically - if there is such a thing. It felt like I was "undocking" from my physical body. It was a big energetic movement and decision, and inevitable. I felt crazy in my conscious mind though, because I was effused with such joy. I was elated. I did not go through "a tunnel." I immediately experienced myself - and all others/all else - as pure light. AND LOVE.
Nothing else existed. No anger, no jealousy, negativity, misunderstanding, etc.
I knew everything, all at once. I was ONE with every being.
My dad was there. We were so happy to see each other...We didn't "speak," but shared each other. he knew that I was not going to stay very long, and I ONLY wanted to stay. LOVE SOUP.
That was nirvana and that is what I experienced. Looking back and analyzing the experience, I knew my body was below me, but in the experience it mattered NOT AT ALL. I was in another place and it was totally where I wanted to be.
Then I woke up in my body. It was a long while in understanding why I was so sad. So heavy. So NOT back fully in this life again. It took some time to get into the gravity, the physical spanx suit this human body IS.
But I am back and fully present. With great insight and experience.
There is no need to be afraid of death. How fascinating.
Pierced the Viel...
The first glimmer of my own passing.
I realize only on an energetic level that I am leaving this 3D planet; this earth.
My energy body prepares itself, a shift to "undock" and leave behind the body.
In a floating instant I slipped the skin.
I pierced the veil.
I am on the other side.
There is nothing but a beautiful light - and love. Nothing but love.
I realize later piecing this otherworldly experience together that amongst the soft, wonderful understanding of LOVE everywhere, that my dad who passed away about a year and a half ago was also there. There was no tunnel. Just instant all encompassing light with my body below. This, however, did not matter to me because it was total euphoria where "I" was.
I did not want to leave. But I did. I came back.
Do not be afraid to die.
Love & Light is all there is on the other side. This is the dream; the mirage.
This is the unreality.
Pierced the Veil : A Near Death Experience
Photographer: Jady Bates
***I am updating this blog post to say that it is the last day of 2017 and since experiencing the above -- I've begun to experience extraordinary healing. My body is working better in ways that is has not for YEARS. What is that quote?
"I don't believe in miracles.
I rely upon them."
Once in awhile, well, BAM!